Saturday, August 18, 2012

there [was] a bun in the oven

For some reason talking about miscarriage seems to have an element of taboo to it. Well, I'm still going to talk about it.

Most of you who read this don't know that I was pregnant. We were waiting to tell everyone until I was in the 2nd trimester. I found out in the morning on July 8 (after 3 pregnancy tests - couldn't stop at just one!) and let Brian know later that night by wearing an apron that said "There's a bun in the oven!"

Let's just say he was super excited. He is going to be the best dad :).

So, we had a bun in the oven! A pea in the pod. A... you get the idea. I was due on March 12th.

I had normal pregnancy symptoms. Nothing too extreme - I never threw up or got super nauseous, but I had pretty much all the other symptoms you would expect like fatigue, having to pee all the time, bloating, etc. I was feeling so great and was thinking I was really a lucky girl.

Brian and I picked out names we liked and even bought some children's books to read to the little one when he/she arrived. We were so excited for our little baby!

Well, at week 7 I started bleeding. Just a tiny tiny bit. Of course I rushed to Google to see what was going on and I found all sorts of responses ranging from "it's normal in the first trimester" to "go to your doctor right away!" I had my first appointment with the midwife the next day anyway, so I figured I would just wait and talk to her about it then.

The appointment was fun! We talked about pregnancy and how fun (and hard) it is to be a first time mom. She did an exam, said everything was looking good. She said that she wanted me to go get an ultrasound just to be safe but that she wasn't concerned about the spotting. So, lucky for me they had an opening right then and so Brian and I headed up to the hospital to get the ultrasound done. 

I was so excited to see our little one!

Based on the weekly emails I was getting, he/she should have been about the size of a blueberry or raspberry and had a little heart flickering away. That's what I thought we'd see. But... no.

The ultrasound technician starts the ultrasound and is making little measurements on the screen and asks me a few times if I am sure about my dates. I told her yes, I'm 99% sure.  I said, "Why? Am I measuring small?" She nodded and continued with her measurements.

I started looking closer at the screen, trying to decipher what I saw on there and started asking questions. Yes, that is the uterus. Yes, that is the sac. Yes, it looks like there is no baby in there. No baby? But I'm over 7 weeks! The sac was measuring around 4 1/2 weeks. 

Then she says another bad thing. Not only is there no baby in there, there is no yolk sac either. Oh and the sac is "irregular" whatever that means. It just kept getting worse! The doctor came in and discussed our options but recommended that we wait a week and get another ultrasound and hcg to make sure the sac has quit growing.

Fast forward to the second ultrasound a week later. Well, after a very difficult week of feeling lost, depressed, but still hopeful, we were pretty much in the same boat. Hoping for something definitive (either no growth or lots of it!), instead we got another "grey" result. The sac has grown, but still no baby. So, what does the doctor want to do? Wait another week. Another tortuous week.

Even though my midwife and the doctors say it is an "almost certain failed pregnancy," we thought there must at least be some hope if they were having us wait another week. We went on our vacation to California as planned (still tons of fun, but with that awful worry in the back of our minds) and went to get an ultrasound the day after we got back. Same story. Sac was growing, no baby. This time we had a progesterone level too, however, and that indicated an unviable pregnancy too. So, that was that. My body just wasn't recognizing that this wasn't going to turn into a healthy pregnancy. So, I was prescribed cytotec and some pain killers and told to take the pills and call in sick to work.

Tuesday night. Worst night ever.

I would never recommend it. Let's just say I thought I was going to die. It was one contraction right after another, many times running together. We finally went to the E.R. because it was so awful. The doctors there said that some women's bodies just react differently to the medication and go kind of crazy. Just my luck! So, I've never been through real labor, but the doctor said I was probably experiencing real labor pains, but one right after another without any breaks in between. So, after some morphine and another ultrasound, I was sent home with some better pain medication and it was so much better after that.

Brian has been so great through the entire experience. He has been there for me through all the physical and emotional rollercoasters. I couldn't have done it without him. I am so grateful for him!

I've learned a lot from this experience and feel a lot of empathy for friends and other women I know who have gone through miscarriage or have a hard time getting pregnant. It is really hard. Better luck next time I guess.


  1. I'm so happy you shared your story, but sad you had to go through that, there probably was a taboo at some time but I think in our day things like this should be discussed because it's a good way to share with other women who have had/could have the same situation. I think a blog is a perfectly safe place to talk about these things-another friend of mine just had a miscarriage and announced it on Facebook, that was awkward. Good luck with trying again love! I have the best hopes for you and Brian!!

  2. Love you forever sweet pea. You have been so brave the last month. I know your post will help others.

  3. Sweetheart you are forever in my prayers and thoughts. You are so brave and I am so proud of you. Love you kiddo!

  4. I'm so sorry Rachel. That sounds so very hard. My mom had a couple of miscarriages before she was able to have me, but after that she had normal, healthy pregnancies. I hope the same will happen to you. You will be a great mom when the time comes. Hang in there :)

    1. PS- This blog might help :)

  5. Hey Rachy cakes! I am so sorry. I know every pregnancy and miscarriage experience is different, but we had a few before Isaac came along and it is just so hard! My first I was about 12 or 13 weeks and I had a similar experience, contracting, ER, etc. (It IS a lot like labor by the way.) I hope you have healed up well. Give me a ring if you want or if we can bring dinner or anything else you might need.

  6. Thank you everyone for your sweet thoughts and words. I couldn't get through this without great family & friends! Thank you thank you thank you.

  7. Thanks Rach for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to go through this trial. I don't know if Brian told you but our 1st pregnancy was a miscarriage very similar to yours. I didn't end up in the hospital but miscarried at home. I hope you know we have been thinking and praying for both of you.


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