there [was] a bun in the oven

For some reason talking about miscarriage seems to have an element of taboo to it. Well, I'm still going to talk about it.

Most of you who read this don't know that I was pregnant. We were waiting to tell everyone until I was in the 2nd trimester. I found out in the morning on July 8 (after 3 pregnancy tests - couldn't stop at just one!) and let Brian know later that night by wearing an apron that said "There's a bun in the oven!"

Let's just say he was super excited. He is going to be the best dad :).

So, we had a bun in the oven! A pea in the pod. A... you get the idea. I was due on March 12th.

I had normal pregnancy symptoms. Nothing too extreme - I never threw up or got super nauseous, but I had pretty much all the other symptoms you would expect like fatigue, having to pee all the time, bloating, etc. I was feeling so great and was thinking I was really a lucky girl.

Brian and I picked out names we liked and even bought some children's books to read to the little one when he/she arrived. We were so excited for our little baby!

Well, at week 7 I started bleeding. Just a tiny tiny bit. Of course I rushed to Google to see what was going on and I found all sorts of responses ranging from "it's normal in the first trimester" to "go to your doctor right away!" I had my first appointment with the midwife the next day anyway, so I figured I would just wait and talk to her about it then.

The appointment was fun! We talked about pregnancy and how fun (and hard) it is to be a first time mom. She did an exam, said everything was looking good. She said that she wanted me to go get an ultrasound just to be safe but that she wasn't concerned about the spotting. So, lucky for me they had an opening right then and so Brian and I headed up to the hospital to get the ultrasound done. 

I was so excited to see our little one!

Based on the weekly emails I was getting, he/she should have been about the size of a blueberry or raspberry and had a little heart flickering away. That's what I thought we'd see. But... no.

The ultrasound technician starts the ultrasound and is making little measurements on the screen and asks me a few times if I am sure about my dates. I told her yes, I'm 99% sure.  I said, "Why? Am I measuring small?" She nodded and continued with her measurements.

I started looking closer at the screen, trying to decipher what I saw on there and started asking questions. Yes, that is the uterus. Yes, that is the sac. Yes, it looks like there is no baby in there. No baby? But I'm over 7 weeks! The sac was measuring around 4 1/2 weeks. 

Then she says another bad thing. Not only is there no baby in there, there is no yolk sac either. Oh and the sac is "irregular" whatever that means. It just kept getting worse! The doctor came in and discussed our options but recommended that we wait a week and get another ultrasound and hcg to make sure the sac has quit growing.

Fast forward to the second ultrasound a week later. Well, after a very difficult week of feeling lost, depressed, but still hopeful, we were pretty much in the same boat. Hoping for something definitive (either no growth or lots of it!), instead we got another "grey" result. The sac has grown, but still no baby. So, what does the doctor want to do? Wait another week. Another tortuous week.

Even though my midwife and the doctors say it is an "almost certain failed pregnancy," we thought there must at least be some hope if they were having us wait another week. We went on our vacation to California as planned (still tons of fun, but with that awful worry in the back of our minds) and went to get an ultrasound the day after we got back. Same story. Sac was growing, no baby. This time we had a progesterone level too, however, and that indicated an unviable pregnancy too. So, that was that. My body just wasn't recognizing that this wasn't going to turn into a healthy pregnancy. So, I was prescribed cytotec and some pain killers and told to take the pills and call in sick to work.

Tuesday night. Worst night ever.

I would never recommend it. Let's just say I thought I was going to die. It was one contraction right after another, many times running together. We finally went to the E.R. because it was so awful. The doctors there said that some women's bodies just react differently to the medication and go kind of crazy. Just my luck! So, I've never been through real labor, but the doctor said I was probably experiencing real labor pains, but one right after another without any breaks in between. So, after some morphine and another ultrasound, I was sent home with some better pain medication and it was so much better after that.

Brian has been so great through the entire experience. He has been there for me through all the physical and emotional rollercoasters. I couldn't have done it without him. I am so grateful for him!

I've learned a lot from this experience and feel a lot of empathy for friends and other women I know who have gone through miscarriage or have a hard time getting pregnant. It is really hard. Better luck next time I guess.